so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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