We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
