I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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