too bad you live with your parents still
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
