My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
