So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
