I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
