You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
