I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
