Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
