Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Randomize
