Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
