I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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