he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
