Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
