oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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