Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
MIDGETS
????
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
