I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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