I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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