"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
