We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
