I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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