Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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