you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
