you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
