she takes plan B like it's going out of style
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There's always time for handjobs
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
