I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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