Screwed.edu
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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