You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
