So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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