people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
