WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
