perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
