Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
