he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
