Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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