If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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