I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I deserve this hangover.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
