His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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