I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
