I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
