Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
