i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
