So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
