I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
