I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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