Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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