We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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