I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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