Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
